Matt's Last Day at the Newspaper

Matt's co-worker Diane makes announcements over the loudspeaker in the his office whenever it's someone's birthday or if there's a special occasion. The one she did today needs to be published here on the blog. To truly appreciate the art involved in this announcement one should know that Matt works in a converted barn that has an open space floor plan. It's one big newsroom with desks spread about--no walls, no cubicles. Here goes:

"This may be the hardest announcement I've ever made, which is why I will avoid sentimentality at all costs.
I may be old, but I have learned many things from Matt in his 7 plus years here as the man toiling to my right.
Here is a list of the top ten (she only read the 10 * ones), but all were blog worthy.
*1. Never eat or drink anything that has passed its expiration date because you will die instantly or suffer severe gastrointestinal consequences.
2. As soon as you get up in the morning, or at least before breakfast, start to think about what food you will eat that day, at what time and in what amount.
*3. Whenever you have a food item or anything to which you apply something else, say you are putting that something else "onto it."
4. Whenever you are about to eat a bagel or a roll--hollow it out by removing the extra bread so it won't be so doughy.
5. Cook everything so it is crispy.
*6. Whenever someone yells at you for banging incessantly on everything with your pencil or pen, say, "Excuse me, I am a percussionist."
*7. Whenever someone offers you food you don't want, say, "No thanks, I'm on the seeds."
*8. Whenever you are contemplating eating a large quantity of chicken wings, call it "wingage."
*9. Whenever you come across a standalone caption for which you cannot think of a headline, write Fuhgeddabaoudit, particularly if the picture is of a big turkey.
*10. Whenever you feel like saying something but don't have anything particular in mind, say "buck, buck" like a chicken.
11. Repeat the name Choinsky over and over again, just for fun.
*12. Whenever someone wants you to do something you don't want to do, say, "I am not a promisekeeper."
13. Take care of your teeth, especially if you're Irish.
*14. Let yourself love, especially little white fluffy dogs.
15. Listen to music.
16. Stay hydrated.
17. Keep it real.
*18. Whatever you do, avoid becoming the victim of an insane regime.
OK Matt, I know you may not have planned this down to the last morsel, but it's time to eat. And you may not be a little white dog, but we love you anyway."

Needless to say, Matt ate a lot of chicken wings today. And, they made him swing blindfolded a pinata--I really wish I could have seen that. All good wishes.
--Lisa